Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Mystery of the Grocery

Every once in a while, I decide that I'm gonna try to be real fucking grown up. That shit means doing my laundry (probably because I have run out of underwear besides those weird big pairs that you only wear when you're on your period), cleaning my room (shoving everything in my closet), and grocery shopping. Ah, grocery shopping. When you live in the city with no car, it's just a beautiful and wonderful experience. On opposite day. 

See, when I'm home alone on a day off work, I look at my cabinet and think, "You have pasta and you have a cookie from July and crumbs at the bottom of a bag of generic Fruit Loops. What's your damage, asshole?" Really, I am completely inept when it comes to food. And I will have about a week and a half of days like this, where I roll my eyes at the leftover peanuts in a bag of old trail mix and mentally create grocery lists in my head. Oh, the food I need! The ingredients I could purchase to make actual food like human beings sometimes do!

But I usually end up hitting the grocery store on the way home from work, which means I don't remember jack shit. I end up grabbing a basket and wandering around like a lost child. I'll put some fruit in a bag, because health, right? Cherry tomatoes look like a fun snack! And then comes the diary aisle. I'm out of shredded mozzarella! I need more milk that will go bad before I finish it! YOGURT ON SALE FOR 60 CENTS??

When I finish the produce and dairy is when I begin to lose it. How do people focus in a grocery store? THERE IS FOOD EVERYWHERE. And nothing is more exciting than the little yellow sale tags. Hot dogs for TWO DOLLARS? Salami that is perpetually marked down?? Oh my goodness, tiny little bags of microwave popcorn - and they're fucking movie theater butter!! And don't even get me started on the frozen food aisle; it's too achingly overwhelming to think about.

I feel an insane amount of accomplishment as I lug two bags of groceries home, fifteen minutes of arm suffering for food is nothing! And then I unpack what I have and realize that I bought fifteen unrelated items. What do I do with salami if I have no bread? What am I going to eat for dinner when I get home from work? WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY KINDS OF PASTA?

This doesn't even include my randomly timed stops into CVS, which usually bring forth weird $1 food items like an individual packet of tuna.

I truly have no idea how to put together meals and prepare for the grocery store. I panic when things I like are no longer on sale (SHOUT OUT TO THE LAUGHING COW CHEESE WEDGES THAT WERE $2.99 ONE WEEK), putting two apples in my basket makes me feel like a health goddess, and I keep buying lunch meat without bread.

However, major pats on the back to me for finally buying butter. It only took five months. At this rate, I'll remember the ingredients of a standard sandwich within a year or two!